The Beginning

What happened to me that I was able to come from severe dysfunction and suicidal thoughts every day to being able to live in the same severely abusive marriage and begin to find freedom.
A lady who was the leader of an Alanon group I had attended for a while was in the supermarket one day. She asked me how I was going. I told her about the psyche hospital. She said to me that if I did not get God in my life I would die. The words went into my spirit and I knew she was right. I could not continue to live as I was living. She did not show any caring for me at all. She told me where her church was and suggested I go there. She did not offer to pick me up and take me. She did not offer to sit with me or introduce me to people. In fact I heard no more from her again. She never rang to see how I was or if I had gone to her church. I learnt as I found healing that I was very unlovable in those days. I did not realise it at the time but my severe dysfunction was too much for people to handle. When you are in the amount of severe emotional pain as I was in, you cannot see anything or feel anything except the pain. You become very self centred. It takes a deep degree of being able to love to handle someone as self-centred as I was. She was not able to handle my dysfunction. There is no condemnation for her. I was nearly impossible to love.

As I learnt about the Lie that was inside me and learnt that the very depth of the Lie was to convince me I was unlovable, I learnt that, even though it was a Lie, it actually caused me to be unlovable. People could not love me.
I went to the church for 3 weeks but I could not see anything there that could help me. The fourth week I stayed home. The next week I had made a decision not to go back. I was working in the front garden when the next door neighbour called out to ask me if I was going to church. I said no.
What happened next was the beginning of my being able to come out of severe dysfunction and come to a life of freedom I could not even comprehend. A power came over me and I was drawn to go inside, shower, dress, and drive myself to church. I was absolutely unable to go against the force that was directing me. I was powerless to fight it.
More next time.

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