Two “D” Words

There are two “D” words I use frequently. I have written recently about the first “D” word, different. Different is something that is good and that is part of our essence. It is something that lucifer tries, and largely succeeds, in damaging in us, and turning to a negative quality. We need to embrace being different. The other “D” word is very different. It is not something we are born to be, not something that is part of our essence, not something that we can embrace. This word is dysfunctional. Dysfunctional is something we become because of abuse or neglect, or many childhood experiences that can damage us. Dysfunction is a byproduct solely of the lies planted in parents and passed down to us, every generation from Adam and Eve. They were the first dysfunctional parents and their dysfunction led to one of their sons murdering his brother. That is pretty extreme. But that is where dysfunction in parents can lead to. Dysfunction needs to be dealt with very differently. Do not embrace it because it is never meant to be part of who we are.

Being from a dysfunctional family can lead to shame. But shame is a feeling and dealing with feelings will never give us deep healing. It is extremely hard to admit, in this world, that we come from a dysfunctional family, for what does it say about us. Can a functional child come from a dysfunctional family? No. It is very, very unlikely. Because even a child who seems to be functional does so by a positive lie, and not by true wholeness. And of course, what we allow our circumstances to say to us about us, and that we then chose to believe, is the whole basis for having an Original Lie. To me, all families are dysfunctional, because all parents have Original Lies in them, and parent from this place. No one escapes. It is part of the human condition. But there is good news. Even being severely dysfunctional is able to be overcome. You can still become very whole. I am walking proof of this. But we do not embrace dysfunction. We seek the cause and eradicate it. It is not something that we were ever meant to be, like different. It is something we do not want and that has no positive side to it. It is something we decide for ourselves that we are, because of childhood circumstances, and it is a lie that needs to be gotten rid of.

It is really hard when your whole family is dysfunctional, to come to believe that you do not have to be this also. But that is the key. Being dysfunctional is something we come to believe about ourselves, and therefore something we can come to unbelieve about ourself, the same as any other lie. But the great problem I experience with coming to this state is that people who are dysfunctional do not want to admit in any way that they are so. It would be easier to admit that you are a murderer or any other number of things, than to admit that you are dysfunctional. But this is the necessary step. With my family, my father was the one who could not admit that we were a dysfunctional family and that his wife, my mother, was a very damaged person. He would tell any lie, and cover up anything, just to prevent himself from acknowledging he was dysfunctional, because he had chosen to fall in love with, marry, and stay with a severely dysfunctional woman. The incidence where he lied to me when I was fourteen, and my mother had been on a drinking binge for 7 days up in the attic of our home, is the perfect example. I could hear her at night, falling about, drunk, on the wooden floor, and dropping bottles. One morning there was blood on the walls of the stairway down from the attic. But when I asked him what was wrong with my mother, he lied and said there was nothing wrong. And so neither of them were able to become whole, because it takes admitting the problem to be able to deal with it. Even when my mother went to Alcoholics Anonymous for two years and was sober for two years, and doing well, he talked her into drinking again because he could not accept there was anything wrong with her. This would say there was something wrong with him, and he could not do this. Do not underestimate the power of not being able to admit to dysfunction. It is incredibly powerful. But if we want to be free, we need to admit it fully.

This is just the first of another 3 or 4 writings about this subject. It is such an important subject. But I got free of dysfunction and you can also.

2 thoughts on “Two “D” Words”

  1. this is so true but it is hard to live with the dysfunction you have passed onto ýour children to hear an adult child say I hate you is heart breaking yet I still answer his phone calls hoping to reach his heart with the love I have for him but each time he speaks to me I only feel his brokenness of spirit through his vengeful attitude towards me
    It hurts my spirit and I feel his pain when he verbally abuses me but I also struggle with his hate, as no matter what people have done to me especially those I have cared about I havw never hèld anything against them I have let go and moved on or worked to make the situation better
    I pray that God will help my son and give me insight how I can deal with my son in a different way to break through to heal this relationship
    I understand my sons hatred for me as I stayed in an abusive relationship which caused him to suffer as a child but if only he could see that he is still living in that abusive spot everyday by allowing it to dominate his life being the victim and blaming me for bis current life situation
    I dind it hard to see his pain eating away at his being and making him into something he is not

    1. Such a good statement Marion and one I also live with everyday. I asked my son, last christmas, if I could just come for christmas day, to spend it with my family, who were all to be at his house, for the day, and he said no. After 18 years this Mothers day. It is that long since I have seen him. The Lord showed me when he was fourteen that he directed his anger towards me, instead of the father who abused him, because I did not protect him from his father. it was unrealistic and he still refuses to see it. I couldn’t protect him any better than I did . I also kept him and my other two children, in the dysfunctional marriage, until my husband decided to leave me for another woman whom he treated worse than he treated me. But my son is friends with his father. It is hard. But we did it for love and the hope that love would win. I find the hatred from my son easier to deal with than the deliberate planned nastiness from my older daughter. And I worry about her condition more. I watch the hatred destroying her even though she lives a very successful life by world standards. She is unable to love even her own son. The only hope I have for either of them is God reaching down from heaven to them the way he did for me. He is able if they will let him. I can only trust His love for them. I believe He is faithful and it will happen. I saw my father, who did not change one tiny bit in his whole life and was severely dysfunctional, change and be nice to my mother for the first time, one saturday morning when I was 18. He refused to abuse her tat morning and made her a cup pf tea and gave her love instead. The next day he died of his third heart attack. But I know that change took him home to be with the father. His childhood was severely dysfunctional. God knows all this. Just keep loving and refusing to hate others as you are doing and He will be faithful to you. You are so special.

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