Changing myself

Being abused and living with a Lie controlling your every thought and action makes you very self centred. I was very self centred. I could not love my husband. I loved my children to the best of my ability, but I know I did not love them as they needed to be loved. There are many things I could say to stick up for myself and the reason I was not able to love. How do you love a husband who is severely emotionally abusive to you and who rapes you violently when he is drunk. No I did not try to stop him from this physical act. I did not fight back. I did not say no. I just let it happen. This does not mean it was not rape. I was so terrified of him and so lacking in any kind of belief in the fact that maybe I did not deserve such treatment, that I let it happen. That does not mean it was not rape. He did not have to ever hit me because I did not ever answer back or try to stop him. I lay with tears rolling down my cheeks though the whole act, but he never once saw the tears or cared. How do you keep loving when you are treated unlovingly? You can’t. Continue reading Changing myself

Continuing on

I drove down to the church that day. I still did not see how this could help me. And of course I was right. The information the lady from Alanon gave me that day was not correct. Going to church was not going to help me any more than being put into a psyche hospital was going to help me. I never tell people to go to church. But there was the most incredible help waiting for me that has changed my life. Continue reading Continuing on